Seeing Precludes Wanting
by TracyT
Summary: My take on what happens after Castle says to Kate: "It's about your mother."


Title: Seeing Precludes Wanting

Author: TracyT

Rating: PG

Spoiler: A Death in the Family

Category: Romance, Angst

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Archive: yes, please

Disclaimer; Castle and its characters do not belong to me in any way and no profit will be made on this piece.

Author's notes: My first Castle fanfic. Just a little speculation on what happens after Castle tells Kate about her mother. The title comes from the line in "Home is Where the Heart Stops."

*****

Kate Beckett breathed a sigh as she awoke, feeling the warm skin of her lover's stomach beneath her cheek. What was she doing? This had gotten way out of hand.

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since she and Castle had become lovers. In a way it seemed longer, as if this had always been, and in a way it didn't seem like it had been that long at all. It was still so new to her.

After he had gotten involved in her mother's murder, after that day in the hospital when he'd called her out of Will's room to tell her he had news of her mother's murder case, she had been furious. She had listened to what he had to say, seething, then she had banished him from her life, fully intending never to see him again.

He told her that Martha had said it didn't matter if it was through between them, she, Kate, had a right to know and he felt it was his responsibility to give her the information no matter what.

Kate was so angry she had to breathe heavily for a few moments before lighting in to him. She told him she had asked him not to do this, had warned him what the consequences would be if he meddled in this. He looked at her calmly and said, "I know." She wanted to hit him, wanted to smash her fists into his face, but instead she ground out. "Get out. " When he had murmured "Kate" and reached for her arm she had flinched away from him, nearly shouting, "Get away from me, I'm warning you."

He had nodded, looking a little sad, and walked away without another word.

Tears of anger had driven her out of the hospital and to her apartment. The tears of grief would come later. She could not think about this.

Ryan and Esposito had questioned Castle's absence, but she had let them know in no uncertain terms it was not a topic for discussion. She suspected they'd been talking to him by phone due to their quickly ended conversations when she'd approach them at times, but they had honored her requests to not bring Castle's books into the office anymore or mention him to her at all.

After about a month, she had calmed down enough that she'd gone to her captain and shared the information with him. He had not pried into the situation with Castle, he had just promised to follow up on the intel. She thanked him and asked not to be involved unless something developed, and like she had shared with Castle, she told him why.

She knew she was beginning to forgive Castle when she started checking the society and literary pages for any mention of him. Oddly, they were few and far between. She expected the Nikki Heat book to come out at some point, but it hadn't so far and she wondered why. She finally admitted to herself that she missed him. Will had been around for a shoulder to cry on, but he was a little too happy that Castle was out of the picture, and that left a bad taste in her mouth for some reason.

About six months later Captain Montgomery came to her and told her they had a lead on her mother's killer. She got involved at that point and discovered there had been another murder with the same M.O. It turned out the killer was a postal worker who had been preying on women for years and was still working his route. Just like that it was over.

She cried for two days after that. Then she knew what she had to do. She went to her computer and pulled up Castle's web site. She clicked on the tab for his book signings and found he'd re-released some of the early Derek Storm novels and was on a cross-country signing tour. Again she wondered why he'd never released the Nikki Heat book, but put that thought aside to see where he was now. The schedule showed he was in Baltimore right now. She quickly called his home number and got Martha.

"Detective Beckett, Kate, what a nice surprise. Richard will be sorry to have missed you, but he's out of town." Martha sounded as cheery as usual.

"I know. I checked his web site."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I have some news to share with him. We caught my mother's killer." Her voice broke at the words.

"Oh, Kate. That's wonderful news. Simply wonderful. I'm so happy for you. This must be a great relief."

Kate sniffled. "It is. Actually, it was due to Castle's information that we found the guy. I'd like to give him the news."

"Of course. You have his cell phone number, don't you?"

"Yeah, but that's the thing. I, uh, want to tell him in person."

"Oh." Martha was quiet for a moment. "Yes, I think he'd like that. He won't be home for a week or so, though."

"Yeah, about that." She took a deep breath and blurted it out. "I see he's in Baltimore. Can you tell me where he's staying?"

*****

She'd driven all night and showed up at his door at four in the morning. It took a few minutes for him to awaken and answer. Long enough that she began to wonder if he was alone. For all she knew he was indulging in one of his scandalous liaisons with one of the hundreds of beautiful women that threw themselves at him, and she almost turned to leave when the door was wrenched open.

"What the hell," Castle, in boxers and a T-Shirt, was trying to shove one arm into the sleeve of his robe, squinting at the light from the hallway. "It's four o'clock in the bloody morning, what… Kate."

"Hi," She said softly, suddenly shy and uncertain. They stood facing each other silently for a few moments until he roused himself to say, "So, what brings you here at this time of the night…morning?" She noticed he had a five o'clock shadow that looked very sexy on him. She wanted to reach out and run her fingers across his cheek to feel the roughness. God, she was losing it.

"I wanted to tell you. We caught my mother's killer." She was chagrined that suddenly her eyes filled with tears. Suddenly she was in his arms, crying her eyes out. He held her tightly and just rocked her for a few moments, making soft shushing noises like he would with Alexis.

"C'mon," He murmured into her hair. "Let's go sit down." He led her into the room, snagging a box of Kleenex on the way by a side table. He lowered Kate to the couch and sat next to her with his arm around her, not asking any questions, just letting her cry and handing her tissues when needed.

Eventually she quieted. She blew her nose and wiped her eyes. Focusing on the tissue she murmured, "I'm sorry."

He brushed the hair back from her face with gentle fingers. "Don't be sorry. You deserve a good cry after all that."

She shook her head and looked at him. "Not for that. I'm sorry for sending you away all those months ago. I'm sorry I got so angry when you told me what you'd found out about my mother's killer. It was your information that led to the killer being caught, you know."

It was his turn to shake his head. "Kate, no, I had no right…" She surprised both of them by leaning in and kissing him with all the emotion she'd been holding back for so long. He was unresponsive for a few moments, then he was kissing her back as passionately as she was kissing him. He tasted of toothpaste and mouthwash, and his skin smelled like soap. The kiss went on and on, getting more heated by the second. She started to push the robe from his shoulders, when he finally broke away and grabbed her arms to hold her back.

"No. Stop, Kate."

"Why?" She growled in frustration. "Don't you want this?"

He made a pained sound. "Yes. God, yes, I want this, I want you. More than you know, but I won't have you hate me again so soon after getting you back."

"I don't hate you. Why would I hate you?"

"Kate, you're distraught. You've just had a huge bombshell explode in your life. You might think this is the answer, but you may find in the cold light of day that you regret this, and you'd hate me for taking advantage of you. I can't have that."

"Castle," She said firmly. "I won't regret it. Where's the Richard Castle of song and story? The ravisher of women? Aren't I in your league? Do I have to be a society blue blood to get your attention? "She taunted, trying to get a reaction out of him.

He chuckled. "Ravisher of women? Who told you that?"

Kate smiled. "You know what I mean."

"If you mean the Rick Castle who has casual dalliances with women who do that sort of thing, he's history. Besides, you are so much more than a casual dalliance, detective. I don't 'dally' with women I truly care about, and for the record, you are waaay out of my league."

"Glad to hear it." She leaned in to kiss him softly on the lips. "I missed you."

He sighed and kissed her in kind. "I missed you, too." There were shadows in his eyes. He rested his forehead against hers and they stood motionless, just breathing. He reached up a hand to stroke her cheek with the backs of his fingers, and kissed her softly again. She caught his hand with hers and looked deeply into his eyes, a silent communication passing between them. Their lips suddenly met in a heated kiss that went on and on, tongues tangling and bodies fighting to get closer. Finally, Kate pulled back with a wicked grin on her face. "Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Ravish me."

And he did.

*****

It had taken them three tries to make it to his bed, but she had awoken in the morning feeling lighter and happier than she had in a long time. They ordered room service and ate in bed, feeding each other pieces of egg and toast until Kate, giggling, had shoved a piece of toast and jelly into his mouth with a bit more force than necessary and he retaliated. It had deteriorated into something of a food fight, with both of them laughing uncontrollably. The necessary shower together followed. They were as insatiable as any new lovers, Kate realized, and she reveled in it.

She accompanied him to his book signing, at his insistence, grinning at the curious looks his fans gave her as she sat quietly next to him. He canceled his train ticket to drive home with her, and it wasn't until they were almost back to New York that something she'd been wanting to ask him occurred to her.

"Castle? Why hasn't the Nikki Heat book ever come out?"

The ever-present smile faded from his face. "Oh. That. I, uh, after how we left things it didn't feel right to publish it. It felt like exploitation. I still have the manuscript, but I put the brakes on the publication. You hated me enough without that."

Kate reached over and squeezed his hand. "I never hated you. I was angry with you, but I didn't hate you."

He picked up their joined hands and kissed the back of hers. "Thanks."

She glanced over at him. "Rick?" It still felt a bit strange not to call him 'Castle.'

"Yeah?"

"Publish it."

Rick grinned. "Yes, ma'am."

*****

When they got back to New York she pulled up to the curb outside his building. He got out and got his bag from the back seat. He raised an eyebrow at her. "Coming up?"

Kate suddenly felt a bit uneasy. "Oh, no, I probably shouldn't…"

"Mom and Alexis would love to see you. C'mon, it'll just take a minute."

She relented and shut the car off, following him into the building. He took her hand and squeezed it and she felt better, but the butterflies came back when the doorman gave them a knowing look.

"Hello, Alfred," Castle greeted the man, who tapped his fingers against his cap in greeting. "Mr. Castle, ma'am."

Martha and Alexis were waiting for them when they walked in the door. Kate suspected Alfred had made a call after they got into the elevator. At the site of them holding hands, Martha clapped her hands together once, grinning. "Oh, thank God," "Kate, he was just miserable without you, really. I'm so glad things are okay now."

"Thanks, mother." Rick looked a little embarrassed, giving Alexis a hug.

Alexis turned and hugged Kate, too. "He really was, you know," she said softly.

Kate gave Castle a watery look. He shrugged with a smile and squeezed her hand.

*****

So, two weeks later and they were very much lovers, but Kate wondered where this was heading. She balked at sleeping over at his place with Alexis and Martha there, so they spent a lot of time at her place, or in hotels when he was on road. He suggested some very inventive places for them to make love, but she wasn't as adventurous as he was many times. Still, it made things exciting.

Today they were in a hotel in Buffalo. Who knew Buffalo could be so romantic? Kate grinned to herself.

The bad thing was, they had never really discussed where this was all heading. Ryan and Esposito caught on immediately and never passed up an opportunity to tease her mercilessly, but they were happy Castle was coming around again. What would happen when it was all over?

She found herself getting deeper and deeper into the relationship, but what did it mean to him? She was afraid to ask him outright. She was both happier than she'd ever been in her life and terrified that it would end any moment now, but she refused to admit that to anyone else.

She lay quietly and mulled this over in her head for the thousandth time, when she felt gentle fingers stroke through her hair. "You're thinking about something awfully hard over there," Rick's voice was soft.

She wanted to come out and ask him the hard questions, she wanted to know what she meant to him, but the only thing that came out of her mouth was, "Am I a deep-fried Twinkie?"

She heard him huff out an amused breath. "That's what you're thinking about?"

She raised her head to look up at him. "Yeah. It is. Where are we going with this, Rick? Anyplace?" Not that I'm complaining or anything, I'm just curious.' There. That didn't come out too badly.

Rick was quiet for a moment, thinking. "To answer your question, no, you are by no means a deep-fried Twinkie."

She kissed his chest in gratitude. "Thanks for that. What am I, then?"

"You, madam, are my morning cup of coffee." When she gave him a blank look he elaborated, "Something I can't live without."

She felt her eyes fill, and crawled up his body to kiss his mouth. "Good answer."

He grinned, reaching up to stroke her cheek. "That's why they pay me the big money for the writing. I think fast on my feet, er, back," he corrected, pulling her down to him.


End file.
